Guide to Despondency

Today I decided to focus on what to do when you really want to make sure to become unhappy and stay this way.  For some people this is quite a difficult task to do, for others this might not even be a challenge. Whoever you are, if your goal is to become a hopeless, doomed and miserable person here is your go to list.

First of all, I want you to make an informed decision. If you follow these steps for a longer period of time you might be at higher risk for physical and mental illness, possibly experience social isolation and suicidal tendencies. Anyway, if this warning did not stop you from your quest, here we go:

1.     Focus on the negative in each and every situation, plus worry, worry worry! There are so many things in this world you can worry about. It should be quite easy. This also allows other people to unburden themselves since you are going to worry for them.

2.     Stop laughing and do not leave your home. Staying inside will protect you from the sun’s feel good effects and other human beings, which may want to intervene in your craziness.

3.     Scream and be mean to everyone around you so they leave you alone. Somehow nature or our creator has shaped us in a way that social interactions cause us happiness. So by ignoring everyone and isolating yourself you might be able to trick nature.

4.     Be perfectionistic! Yes, one might think that perfectionism is a good thing but a person that always wants to better something will have trouble feeling accomplished at the end of the day. Certain things are just not flawless.

5.     Make sure that your inner self talk is focusing on your shortcomings and failures plus beware of trying new things. Why change something that is working for you in accomplishing your goal of misery?

6.     Eat unhealthy, smoke and drink alcohol. Some may think, hey when I drink I actually feel better. But don’t fool yourself. Alcohol is a depressant, which will hit you as soon as you either sober up or hit the right amount of intoxication.

7.     Don’t move too much otherwise endorphins could get released and cause the opposite of your accomplishment.

8.     Since you will have to pass time while staying inside and being alone focus on watching and listening to very sad movies and music. By now you probably are able to shed some tears.

9.     If for any reason you still have the urge to masturbate or have sexual intercourse, please resist it. This would only cause you feelings of relieve which is the opposite of what you are going for.

10. This brings us to the next point. If your partner has not already left, make sure that whatever he or she still keeps you around is gone.  Don’t help in the household, stop taking showers, stay in bed all day and if nothing of these things gets rid of your partner, kick him/her out. Because in an attempt to become unhappy it is better to do so alone, group activities could lift the spirit.

11. Don’t pray, find meaning or believe in a higher power. This could distract you from your pursued. If it is too late for that, then try everything to not follow the belief you are holding. Overall, disappointing your creator could lead to especially intense feelings of despair.

12. I am sure that there are many more things you can come up with in order to create your own misery. But here is my last advice. There are people like me who are called counselors and their main goal is to create change in your life. We even went through years of schooling and internships to learn various tools which could help you experience moments of joy again. If you are already connected to one of us, don’t talk or listen. Resist any type of engagement. The issue at hand, you are reading this article so you are already pulled into my tricks.

Please be aware if you recognized some of these tendencies in your life, you are already on a decent way to achieve the goal of unhappiness. It only takes a couple more life changes or the strength to not change and you will succeed. For even more detailed instructions please refer to “the Situation is Hopeless, but not serious. The pursuit of Unhappiness”, by Paul Watzlawick.

Warning. This article is written with sarcasm, and pursues the goal to point out possible habits and behaviors, which when practiced over long periods of time can lead to depressive symptoms. If you recognize some of these tendencies in yourself and want to change, feel free to contact me at (949) 436-7364 or

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